Welcome to my Life

3:51pm: Wow, I love my horse. He was so great today. He cantered better then i thought he would. He was on the wrong lead for a bit, but it was nothing to bad. he did spook pretty bad, but i stayed on so its all good. and he recovered quickly. he's not as strong as i thought he would be. i was expecting to be pulled out of the saddle when we were loping, but he stayed nice and relaxed...just fast at times.

kate and i are finally back to normal...again. dear lord! i slept over her hosue last night...and i was in such a good mood today. then i had coffee and candy and i almost threw up. we were doing an expierement with m&ms in math and so we ate them after...i was shaking so bad. im not supposed to have cafeine and what do i go and do? yea...im the smart one of the bunch.

weee so yea...i have to go do my homework so i can pass my classes and not fail and actually show people that im not the dumbass im portrayed to be. whoot, here comes the all nighters

prom pictures are back!!!! and there is not a single one of kate and i standing side by side except for the one my mom made us pose for...the rest are of us like in each others arms. i found it highly amusing...but they're hott ass pictures so its all good.

7:44am: Nerves...
One second we're fine, the next we're arguing, the nwe're fine again. It doesnt bother me anymore ucase im so damn used to it, but it is stil a pain...but whatever...

im still nervous about everything. i feel so out of place everywhere i go. i dont know what to do, who to trust. it feels like no one trusts me anymore. the last time someone really talked to me...jesus i cant even remember when someone told me a secret. ive been spending most of my time sitting in jr's paddock talking to him...and he listens. i really od love my horse...im just struggling to stay interested. its like...everytime kates at the barn, i love being there. i look forward to being there on days where she syas shes coming and then the second she says she cant for some reason or another...i just kinda...dont want to be there anymore. its an absolutly awful habit to get into. im getting bteter...but stil. i love hanging out wiht steph though. we've going to start working with mimi hopefuly and i mihgt beable to give kate lessons if she stil wants them, cuase i trust mimi. shes a good mare.

but im at a loss for hwat to do. i dunno...i guess im gonna take everything slow and try to figure all this shit out...

9:57pm: I'm scared...I'm so fucking scared. I'm mere inches from fighting with kate yet again...when what i really would like is for her to just listen to me. She says im a stranger...well i dont know who the fuck i am! i look in the mirror and i dont recognize the person staring back at me. im changing and i cant help it. im scared dude...im just fucking scared. im scared of the relationship that ive gotten myself into with john...i cant even kiss him...i feel weird hugging him...i dont know what it is. i need to take it so slow now...cause im so paranoid of getting hurt. but seriously...what i need right now is someone to be there for me...

panache is sick and im a fucking mess over it. its not a big deal...its just a flashback to sweet pea and its awful. i got so scared. im not anymore, she'll be fine. but it was rough. i was terrified when i got that phone call saying she was sick. ive gotten those before...and they always end in disaster.

i feel like im holding back from everyone...but i dont know how to act. im so scared and so confused, and i feel so left out...and i dontk now. i talked to stephanie today adn we talked about horses...she got me back into them, but i dont want to be there wihtout kate. i dont want to do this without her, but she's lost interest already...and im scared. i have so much fun when she's there, but now its like she never wants to be there anymore...and i fucking miss teaching her....

7:53pm: Can we say stressed? I was so sick at work tonight, I thought I was going to faint. I somehow made it through the night without asking to go home, thank god. Ive still got a splitting headache...I'm going to drink some hot chocolate and see if that works...casue chocolate heals everything, haha. theater is stressful beyond stressful. i was running aorund multi tasking and i wanted to kill someone. jess davis and i were about to strangle half of the actors.

i have so much homework, and so much going on, im about at that panic level...i think tonight's going to be yet another sleepless night. im tired, but ive got to much to do. therefore, not much sleep will be had.

10:14pm: What have I gotten myself into...
Well, I had a big reality check tonight. I was over kates house and all these feelings i thought i had buried resurfaced themself. how could i be so damn stupid...im going to fuck my heart up so bad with this whole thing. i am forcing myself to get over her...like just about physically forcing myself...im not going to run away from john just cause i get this dumb false hope...which is what ive done wiht every relationship ive been in for the last year. i was talking to matt about it and i keep telling him that it hurts so fucking bad and he just told me that it will hurt but its for the best...im trying to listen. i was driving home and i wanted to just turn the car around and run back into kates house and be like "we need to talk".

im scared...im so fucking scared. i love john to death...hes the first person who's ever really liked me...and its cool ya know. but its so hard kissing one person and thinking of another...and its just not fair to him. he knows the situation, yet hes been brave enough over and over again to come back to me...i want this to work out. i want to get it into my head that i have no chance wiht her nad im better off with john, but the mere thought of that cuts like a knife. maybe i shoudl have stayed single longer...but if i stayed single until i got over her, id never date agian. this way, i have to force it. and in the end, i should be okay. but im going to be hurting for a while.

8:42pm: Wellp, John and I are going back out. I'm so fucking happy. I think I stopped breathing when he asked. its odd cuase ive been thinking about asking him back out alot latley...of course i never told anyone, so this may be a bit of a shock for a few people..but hey, its all good. hes such a sweet fucking kid too...so yea...maby i can stay in a relationship this time...god i pray my heart is healed enough to make this work

12:28pm: Last night was really awesome. Kate, emma, and I slept over coleys. i wasnt having fun for a while but then kate and i got to sleep in a different room then the other too...and we just layed there for an hour in each others arms...we were sleeping so close...i dont think ive been that relaxed in a long time. i finally slept too. it felt like the old kate was holding me again...i just wanted to cry. emma said she walked in in the middle of the night and just said that we looked like one person cause we were so close. then emma woke me up at 8 am so i could help make kate breakfast. i wanted to kill her. i was so fucking tired. haha. but it was funny. i ran back into the room to wake her up and i was just like "happy mothers day mommy!" and jumped on the bed. it was cute.

i never want moments like that to end...ever. the only other person who ive ever felt so relaxed with lying like that is john..and we never lyed that close. but i have practically fallen asleep in his arms...and that really meant somerthing. there are times were i just love waking up early and just lying there and talking. coley said she could hear us whispering then giggiling all night. hehe. i think last night was much needed...we havnt been that close lately, but i think that all changed...at least i hope

3:41pm: well now...it was confirmed that ive got a concusian. that was fun. i thought i was going to pass out. i was like shaking all through math cause it hurt so bad. but yea...i got to skip gym so i hung out int he library. that was fun. then psych class was fun. heather made me laugh so hard. i was having a rough time cuase i told her about all the fun events of yesterday adn she ripped off part of her jeans, siad it was a friendship bracelet then put it on me. when she saw that it fit she was like "yea, i got it fit yesterday" it was so funny. then i told her something erally private and i pray to god kelley didnt hear ucase if she did...im pretty much screwed. joy. but yea...

i fucked jr up good. i was lunging him and i pretty much gave up, threw the halter on the ground and just fell to the ground and put my head in my lap. of cousrse, before that, he took off, jumped the water bucket then almost crashed into the fence. he was shaking and snorting and i thought i was going to get run over. but i was lying on the ground after and he started eating my foot. it was really cute. i love my pony...even though im loosing interest in horses again.

3:40pm: lets play the fun game of "who's the song for"

Seemed to stop my breath
my head on your chest waiting to cave in
from the bottom of my
hear your voice again
could we dim the sun and
wonder where we've been
maybe you and me so kiss me like you did
my heart stopped beating such a softer sin
im melting never caught my breath
every second im without you
im a mess
ever know each other
trust these words
are stones
why cuts arent healing
learning how to love
im melting im melting
Chorus:
in your eyes
ive lost my place could stay a while
and im melting
in your eyes like my first time
that i caught fire
just stay with me lay with me

you can stay and watch me fall
and of course
i'll ask for help
and we could take our heads off
just stay in bed lets make love
thats all

just stay with me now

im melting
im melting

repeat chorus

6:23am: Could I be in any more of a bad mood? I love waking up feeling like Im about to blow up in someone's face. Joy. School's going to suck. I never studied last night...fucking aye. i think i got a concusion though...i spashed my head against the wall at the barn accidently trying to untangle the dog and hse was pulling on me...it still hurts. and i got wicked tired and wicked dizzy. i dunno. i had a pretty bad day yesterday. i got to hang out wiht matt and heather right after school, but that was the only good thing about the day. the barn sucked. i cried my eyes out in jr's paddock...he kept playing with my hair, trying to chear me up. i was lying in bed last night and i just started shaking. i thought i was going to stop breathing. it was really scary. i hate when that happens. im pretty damn close to flipping out on the next person that talks to me...this'll be intersting

3:45pm: Get out of my face
My mother and I have been at each others throats latley. All over fucking grades. She doesnt think I should take english 11 fall semester and english 12 in the spring...she thinks ill fail. im like...have fucking confidence god damnit! i can do it. i try so fucking hard at everything adn no one ever sees it. no one sees me when im at the barn stressing over trying to make everything perfect, no one sees me when im doing my homework and trying to make everything right, no one ever sees me. i want her to be fucking proud of me...is that so hard to ask? last night was the worst...she doubted me about something...and then cutting came up...she told me id never do it so i ended up in the living room with a knife over my wrist threatening. of course i didnt cut...im not breaking a promise to kate just becuase of my fucking mother...but i still stared her down.

fucking aye...kates more of a mom then my mother will ever be. at least she fucking cares. im crying and its just "whats wrong this time? why cnat you ever be happy?" and if i have flashbacks its always "maybe you should talk about it" when she doesnt realize that talking does nothing but having someone actually give to fucks about it and try to calm you down makes it so much ebtter. my mom doesnt know i still have them...not many people do.

but is it so god damn hard to be proud of your daughter? im not the fuckup that she thinks i am. i can fucking do it if she'd have confidence maybe she'd see

6:31am: I hold your hand in mine
I hold your hand and you're so lonely
Oh so lonely
Your eyes have lost their light
Your eyes have lost their light and you're empty
Oh my God you're so empty

(I'm in love with you)
You are my heaven tonight
(I'm in love with you)
You are my heaven tonight

Trying to find the heart you hide
Trying to find the heart you hide in vain
Oh in vain
And you're my haven in life
And you're my haven in death, Baby
Life and Death my Darling

(I'm in love with you)
You are my heaven tonight
(I'm in love with you)
You are my heaven tonight
(I'm in love with you)
You are my heaven tonight
(I'm in love with you)
You are my heaven tonight
(I'm in love with you)

{Repeat}

That's right
(I'm in love with you)
That's right
(I'm in love with you)
That's right
(I'm in love with you)
That's right
(I'm in love with you)

2:17pm: Shit...
Well the brillant jess is failing psychology...fucking aye. i have to hide the notice that came in the mail...if i throw it away, she might find it somehow...fucking sucks. i cant fail..i just cant...

but on another note...ive been spending most of my life at th ebarn. i really hope kate stays interested though...im going to call up donna on saturday and see if i can start riding her horse, which she said i could like a year ago...and if i can, she'll let kate ride once kate's leg's better nad everything...cuase she already said we could. she trusts me with the horses and knowsi can teach...hell she brought me with her the first time she rode her new horse so i was the first one to ride him at the new barn...and the only one who could put a bridle on him. i felt so special haha. he's such a sweet guy though. i fucking love that horse. but yea...jr's doing okay. he's really fucked up in the head though. he had a panic attack y esterday...it was relaly scary. i got cornered in the stall...i was shaking and crying...it was a mess. but he got over it thank god. i love my boy.

and my arm flared up again. fucking glorious.

6:35pm: prom
prom kicked ass...i had so much fun. of cousre, i did have the hottest date in the world...so that was a plus. but it was so much fun. everyone finally got to meet kate. she and kirsten hit it off...and lisa almost made me fucking cry. i was so deep in thought the entire night...i finally danced too. i dont think kates ever seen me dance other then ddr, but that doesnt count. i was happy. kirsten can fucking dance! i was shocked cause i enver see her dance like that...shes usually jut joking around and being psycho. amy looked so damn gorgous it made me want to cry. shes always pretty...but damn. everyone looked so good. kate was so fucking pretty though. i couldnt take my eyes off of her. i dont think i wanted that night to end...ever

kate, thanks so much for going with me. it made my fucking night. there was no other person i would of rather gone with. you put the biggest fucking smile on my face and i love you for it...

10:22pm: so true, so true....
You want commitment
Take a look into these eyes
They burn with a fire,
Just for you now
Until the end of time
I would do anything
I'd beg, I'd steal, I'd die
To have you in these arms tonight
Baby I want you like the roses
Want the rain
You know I need you
Like a poet needs the pain
I would give anything
My blood my love my life

If you were in these arms tonight
I'd hold you I'd need you
I'd get down on my knees for you
And make everything alright
If you were in these arms
I'd love you I'd please you
I'd tell you that I'd never leave you
And love you till the end of time
If you were in these arms tonights

We stared at the sun
And we made a promise
A promise this world would never blind us
These are my words
Our words were our songs
Our songs are our prayers
These prayers keep me strong
It's what I believe
If you were in these arms tonight

If you were in these arms tonight
I'd hold you I'd need you
I'd get down on my knees for you
And make everything alright
If you were in these arms
I'd love you I'd please you
I'd tell you that I'd never leave you
And love you till the end of time
If you were in these arms tonights

Your clothes are still scatteder
All over our room
This old place still smells like
Your cheap perfume
Everything here reminds me of you
And there's nothing that I
Wouldn't do to be in your arms

And these were our words
They keep me strong
I'd hold you I'd need you
I'd get down on my knees for you
And make everything alright
If you were in these arms
I'd love you I'd please you
I'd tell you that I'd never leave you
And love you till the end of time
If you were in these arms tonights

10:05pm: is this really me or am i just fooling myself

do i even know who I am anymore?

2:25pm: Well now...Tara pretty much told me to O.D. on pain meds for my headaches today...i was like...wow i love you. haha it was amusing. i love that chick. im in a wicked good mood. ive had way to much chocolate today though. ahhhh..Matt let me borrow Jekel & Hyde. Im psyched. ive gotta show kate a part in it that matt did for his monolouge though. its sweet. i actually havnt watched it yet...but its still sweet...yea....my pony is going awesome. i got him walking up aroudn my car and shit for the first time since summer...hopefully we can go out on trails within the month...god i pray. i think we're giving nache away soon...im so fucking upset over it too. no one really gets how much i love that horse. shes like one of my best friends...but it's for the best, so i guess thats a plus. i gotta look at the positive aspect of it. im kinda worried about how kates going to take it...but its all part of the horse buisness...shes gotta get used to it. the first horse i lost was jester adn he was put down....i fucking loved that horse. no actually...it was dusty...i saw him get loaded...i fucking cried for ever over that one...but after a while, it comes naturally. its sad and all...but everyone goes through it. im not going to have JR for ever. yea, ill probably have him until he dies...but still..thats not for ever. then again, ill probably get killed on him so ill be the first to go...heh.

i fucking love jr though. he's so awesome. hes deffinatly turning into my horse. he stands in his stall with a bridle on while i go into the tack room adn he never moves. he ground ties awesome...i fucking love him. the new guys leaving thursday...and i dotn know how im going to be...im going to prented everythigns okay obviously...and it should be if i dont see him leave. but if i see him leave...yea....thats all i gotta say. all i know is, i cant let anyone see tears. i dotn want anyone seeing me cry over a horse...ever. i fucking cried in jr's stall yesterday...kate walked right by too...thank god she didnt look in. jr was relaly good...when he heard her coming, he moved away from me...casue he had his nose on my head for a while and he kept nudging me. i love my baby so much....

i truly am the luckiest person on earth. ive got the greatest hosre and the greatest best friend in the world...now all i need is that cowboy...haha

10:07pm: I fucking love her
I fucking love kate....I fucking LOVE her. I had a panic attack tonight...I called her up...she came over with chris and took care of me. I had to go into the bathroom and she was walking with her arms on mine and i just fell to my knees and couldnt move...then i started shaking and i was to weak to even cry...but she stayed right there with me. chris was fucking awesome too...i actually trust him, which was odd, considering i dont know him. but i didnt flinch at his touch. i lyed in kates lap while he had a cold cloth on my back. i fucking love that kid more than life...i remember just lying in her arms and looking up at her and i just wanted to cry...i never wanted my eyes to leave hers...i seriously could keep my eyes on her all fucking day...shes so unbelievably pretty...ive felt love before...but nothing like this. its like...everytime i think of her...i get a smile on my face. everytime emma mentions her name, i start to blush...

i seriously dont think anyone knows how blessed i am to have her...how proud i am to call her my best friend...i get so happy just thinking about her...i cant stop smiling...ive got tears in my eyes just thinking about her...knowone gets how close we are...we're so different when others are around. we're loud and hyper and crazy...and we're like that alone too...but its those moments...those moments were we just lye there in each others arms....no one sees that true smile on my face that she does. i dont think anyone will ever get how close we are....and im glad. i dont think anyone should know just how much she means to me...no one would get it either. i dont even get it. all i know is that i love her...

12:36pm: This ones for you kat....
I heard it once again this morning...not only in my head when i woke up, but on the radio when i was driving home from the barn...

Good morning beautiful
How was your night
Mine was wonderful
With you by my side
And when I open my eyes
And see your sweet face
It's a good morning beautiful day

I couldn't see the light
I didn't know day from night
I had no reason to care
But since you came along
I can face the dawn
Cause I know you'll be there

Good morning beautiful
How was your night
Mine was wonderful
With you by my side
And when I open my eyes
And see your sweet face
It's a good morning beautiful day

I never worry
If it's raining outside
Cause in here with you girl
The sun always shines

Good morning beautiful
How was your night
Mine was wonderful
With you by my side
And when I open my eyes
And see your sweet face
It's a good morning beautiful day

Oh it's a good morning beautiful day
Good morning beautiful day
Good morning beautiful
Beautiful day
Good morning beautiful day
Good morning beautiful day


I love you kaitland....always

10:10pm: I'm getting quite sick of this game...
Can't sleep again. Kate's in my room sleeping...and I'm in here. I lyed in bed for a good hour 1/2 playing with her hair while she was sleeping...and I just cant fall asleep. I dont know why. im so restless. i was freaking out over the dumbest shit...i dont know whats up with me. i can usually sleep when kate's around...but tonight is different. maby its just cause i had to much caffeine today or something...i hope thats what it is. i do have way to much on my mind though...ive been freaking out over the little things latley. its wonderful...but yea...i think im going to try to get some more food into me cause im starving then maybe ill go back to bed...i dont want her waking up and thinking that i ditched her, cause thats not the case. i just dont want my tossing and turning to wake her up...wow i really do love her more then ever...and it gets stronger everyday...what am i gonna do...

10:00pm: here's your sign...
wow..when you need cold meds to help you relax enough to sleep...thats when you know that you've got a bit of a prob. yea...maby ill finally sleep...but from the looks of it...i'll be up for a while. i really need to chill. im so uptight. i need to get away...away from it all. from these people with these faimiliar yet unfamiliar faces...i noticed last night how scared im getitng of people. i was lying in bed listening to bon jovi and i was just thinking alot and my mom came in and tried to kiss me and i freaked out...and i mean freaked. i almost kicked her. i dont know why. i mean, i usually dont like my mom touching me much, but i never panic over it. latley, ive flinched when anyone's touched me. i had an absolute mental breakdown yesterday...i drove to cvs to see heather and i was in tears...then i went to see matt and got food and it was all good. they cheered me up.

vacation and im not excited....i dont have anything planned. kate and i might hang out like once....which is good in a way, but sucks cuase i always feel like i dont see her enough..but i guess thats just the clingy "starkerish" side of me...so im not going to bug her...im probably going to spend most of the week spending time with my horse or by myself...i dont know. maby the seperation from the world will do me some good. maby i can ride with stephie some day. i know im aloud to ride jewl, so that'd be cool if we could go out on the trails...i can ride mimi too...so yea...

well im off to bed...maby once i lye down ill get tired

3:49pm: Stress if becoming a rather large factor in my life...but I guess im learning how to suck it up alot better then i used to. I no longer call people up crying daily...so thats a plus

ive noticed latley, though, how unbelievably fucked up my heart is. true, i dont cry as much as i used to...but the pains still there...everything's still there. ive begun to notice how incomplete i feel without her...i was in class today and my mind just kept wandering...i couldnt concentrate to save my life. it was wonderful...

being a techie for a play in theater isnt as bad as i thought it was going to be. i love having that responsibility. julie and i were haning out in the booth cause she has to teach me how to use it, along wiht marshall who's working with me, and it was fun. we've never really gotten along, but ive never talked one on one with her...so im glad i think she may actually like me now. its so bad how i try so hard to get certain people to like me. shes a goodf riend of cara and i always wanted to be "in" with her group of friends. some of her friends like me...so i guess thats cool....

5:59pm: I need to get out....
I hate this place...I fucking hate it! I get to school this morning and I hear that my friends g/f cheated on him twice....i was so rip shit...then i wanted to just cry...then more shit happened later that i cant exactly put in here...i went to the nurses office cuase i was so lightheaded and i was in tears...when i left there, i saw kirsten and she asked what was wrong and when i told her all i got was "you just get to worked up"...in this really angry voice. i was like...wow thanks for the fucking support. just cause she doesnt like my friend, doesnt mean shes gotta be a bitch to me. all i wanted was to fucking fall into someone's arms and cry my eyes out...today was deffinatly a day i wished that kate went to my school...i was such a mess....


on a better note, JR's doing great. i lunged him for the first time...well first time succesfully anyways. he was so friggen good. i pretty much came to the conclusion that he was started well, but anytime anyone asked him to go faster then a walk., they cracked the whip. i had the end of the lunge in my other hand and swung it when i asked him to trot and he reared...therefore when i ask him wihtout swinging anything, he's really quiet about it. he's like starting a 2 year old. its so cute. i love my baby. hes so good. hes at the point nowt hat i need kates help with him...so yea...this shall be interesting...

6:05am: It really sucks when you need someone so bad but are to damn terrified to pick up that phone. I hate admitting that I'm hurting, i hate admitting that I need to be held, I just hate it...I kept waking up every hour last night and instantly checking my cell phone...just to see if anyone had called me...and im not sure why. then i woke up at 5 this morning and lyed in bed for an hour just thinking. when emma called, i was on the verge of tears talking to her. but i still wouldnt truly say what was wrong. i dont know whats going on with me. i feel fake....disconnected. is this really me? who the fuck am i?...

5:42pm: well now...
I have just decided that I cannot stand the way I look...how awesome is that. i hate looking in the mirror and hating what i see...i wish for once, i could look at myself and not want to punch something...or rip up all the pictures that have me in it...i mean, yea, once in a while, i suppose i do look pretty, as some people tell me and occasionally i belive it, but very rarely. i hate my weight, i hate the way my face looks, i hate my legs...ugh...very annoying. i am getting back into my old habit of working out way to much...but i dont care. im shaking i did more then i should've today, but that just makes me want to run more...hopefully cara taught me enough so that when i start feeling myself get really dizzy ill stop...she taught me a bit in self-control...if only i could remember half of it...

but yea, psych was great today. another sub...saved my life. i didnt have to present my project today, so i have the weekend to spruce it up. then heather, matt, and i ewnt to the library...we threw paper at each other and ran all over the halls pretty much playing tag...it was rather amusing...hehe. it was fun...yesterday was cool though...we sat around in the library and we had a long disscusion about a bunch of shit...and i found myself opening up to them...and feeling comfortable about it...it was pretty cool. i was really suprised.

i need to get a bunch of shit out, but latley i find myself not really wanting to talk to anyone...and i want to keep everything to myself and...yea...i dunno...